Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up." Oh no," she though, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he though your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents bedroom last night and mom had her feet up in the air and she said, Oh God, I'm coming!"

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.

When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

Miss Mary, a third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off.

The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger one on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another one drawn on the board.

This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.

Miss Mary couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board?

And why is it getting bigger each day?"

Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "Don't you know? The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Little Johnny went into a bar and said to a waitress, "Gimme a beer."

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said, "Look, sonny, do you want to get me in trouble?"

The boy glanced back at her and said, "Maybe later. Right now, I want a beer."

Little Johnny was playing outside the local whorehouse with his schoolmate. They were too innocent to know what went on inside, but saw several men walk up, knock on the front door, and hand over $50 to the madam who greeted them, and then let them inside. Each man later came out with pleasant smiles on their faces.

The little boys' curiosity was aroused, so they managed to come with $1 between them two. They went over and knocked on the door. The madam answered, asked them what they wanted, and, not knowing what to say, the boys merely handed over the $1.

The madam took them inside, grabbed them by their necks, banged their heads together, and tossed them back out the door.

Little Johnny sat up, rubbed his head and said to his schoolmate, "I sure am glad we didn't have $50! $1 worth of that is about all I could stand!"

Little Johnny and his mother were flying Acme Airlines When Johnny, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So Johnny asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby panes?" The stewardess asked him, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" "Yes." So the stewardess told Johnny, "Well, Tell your mother that Acme Airlines always pulls out on time."

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent. "The stork brought you to us."

"Ohh..." replied Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now is starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Two irishmen, Johnny and Mickey, decided to go bar hopping. To their predicament, they only have 10 dollars between the two of them. "Hey I got this idea," said Johnny. "Let's go buy a hot dog, and once we've drank a few beers, you place the hot dog between your legs and I'll pretend I'm giving you head. For sure they'll throw us out, then we don't have to pay anything." "Great idea," said Mickey.

So after a few rounds of beer in the 1st bar, they proceeded with their plan. Indeed they were thrown out and did not have to pay for the tab.

After being thrown out of 5 bars, Johnny said "Hic, Lets's call it a night. I'm dead drunk. Give me the hot dog and we'll do it again tomorrow."